


Only Fools

by sheroars



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: 5+1 Things, Domestic Fluff, F/M, Love Confessions, Romance, requited feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-16
Updated: 2018-05-21
Packaged: 2019-05-07 16:54:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14675394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sheroars/pseuds/sheroars
Summary: Five times they talk about their future and one time they put their money where their mouth is...





	1. a year

"What time is it?" He squinted at his phone. The blue light nearly blinded him. He put it facedown on the side table as quickly as he could. She giggled.

 

"Three." He finally answered, rubbing his eyes.  

 

"Haven't done this in awhile."

 

"I would think you, of all people, would be intensely familiar with the witching hour Olivia Benson." He fought a yawn.

 

"You know what I mean." He did. No work. No Noah. Just them. Just talking. His apartment was cold and quiet and peaceful. "I swear it was midnight a minute ago." He slipped his hands around the back of her thigh under the duvet. She hid a yawn in the sheets. She was stretched out on her stomach, arms crossed under her pillow. He was propped up on an elbow beside her. He moved his hand up the back of her tee shirt, skating his fingertips across her spine. He ducked his head to kiss her once his eyes readjusted to the dark, lingering and brushing his lips across the soft skin at the corner of her mouth.

 

"Tired?"

 

"Only a little." She reached up and wrapped an arm around his neck, bringing him to lie down next to her. Close enough to lean her forehead against his. He kept caressing her back. "Worth it to hear you laugh this much." He smiled and shrugged. 

 

"I'm happy." 

 

"Me too." She beamed. They looked at each other for a long moment, exchanging a half dozen thoughts. "It's been a good year. A really good year. Let's do it again." She joked. Three hundred sixty five days. Together. Nobody died. Nothing exploded. 

 

"Best year of my life." He said, just to make her wrinkle her nose and laugh again. He inhaled deeply. "I wish I had more to offer than platitudes and idioms. I still don't..." He bit his lip. She stroked the side of his face soothingly. He smiled a little.

 

"Time feels like a cheap way to measure depth of feeling but I'm proud of this. Of us. It really feels more like a gift than a milestone."      

 

"I have something for you." He abruptly disentangled for her. He turned on the lamp and stumbled out of bed as she groaned and buried her face in a pillow.

 

"What are you-?" He rummaged through the top drawer of his dresser. He turned off the lamp and opened the curtains a little so they had enough light to see without blinking furiously in the bright lights. She sat up against the headboard. He got back into bed with a small white box, shadows from the city lights dancing across his face. He handed it to her without much preamble and she was momentarily speechless. He had chickened out giving it to her at dinner, and even now his heart was racing. She had sent flowers to his office this morning and he had found himself at a jeweler's less than an hour later, overwhelmed with the need to give her something more than words.  

 

Rose gold chain and pendent. A dove in flight. Beautifully detailed. Inconspicuous and breath taking all at the same time. He carefully turned it over in her hand so she could see the back. It was inscribed. _My peace._

 

"Rafael I-"

 

"You don't-" They both started and stopped speaking in unison. She laughed, a little tearfully, and immediately put the necklace on. The dove glimmered against her skin, just above the low v neck of her shirt. He clasped her waist in his hands, leaning forward to kiss the pendent. She ran her fingers through his hair and blinked back tears as she kissed him on the lips. And both cheeks. And his nose. And his neck and shoulder. "At the end of the day…you bring me peace. You make a better man. A happier one." He cleared his throat. "Thank you for letting me hold you. Letting me be here with you. For letting me in to your life, for letting me spend time with Noah." She sat back so she could look at his face, taking both of his hands in her own. She kissed both of his palms before holding one to her cheek.

 

"Thank you for letting me see you, Rafa. Thank you for staying. You are… _so_ beautiful." He brushed a tear off her cheek with his thumb and kissed away the track it left on her skin. "I've learned so much this year. About you and myself and my son. I wish I knew how to say what I feel too because right now it's…honestly overwhelming." She gasped out a laugh. He pulled her back into bed. They laid down, pressed together as closely as they could. "I'm holding on to you as long as I can."

 

"Please do." 

 

"This is good. Real." 

 

"It is." He agreed. They were both suddenly very aware that it was 3 in the morning. They started grinning and laughing for no reason at all. He pulled the covers up around her, tucking her in a little closer. "And-" He breathed deeply, stuck in thought for a moment. 

 

"And?" She asked. 

 

"And I'm so in love with you." He decided. "Time is a gift." He echoed her. "I'm going to give you as many years as you'll let me." 

 

"What if I want them all?" 

 

"They're all yours." She hid her face in his neck.

 

"You make it sound like poetry."

 

"It feels like poetry." They talked till the sun came up. They slept till noon. It really was poetry.   

 


	2. a birthday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some original characters from previous stories mentioned- Rafi volunteers with his mother's school and ends up mentoring college students too

He turned 47 on a beautiful day in October. Olivia conspired with Lucia who called in some favors and one thing led to another. They surprised him, truly surprised him, with a birthday dinner on the roof of his mother's building. Tables were decked out in ornate table clothes and place settings. There was hardly space between the Cuban dishes, bright yellow flowers, and tea light candles. The squad came. Rafael's friends and close acquaintances from Columbia and various law firms were mingling with some members of the extended Barba family. Gail, Theo, and Devante came along with some other college students from Lucia's after school mentoring programs, instruments in tow for some incredible background music. Devante put Noah and Jessie on his knees and showed them some tricks on a ukulele. Carisi was taking pictures. Rollins and Fin were swapping stories with Lucia's sister. Everyone was joyful. The sun set over Bronx and stained the sky a dozen beautiful colors as the champagne was poured.

 

"Thank you." Rafael whispered to her. She smiled and shrugged. He dropped a quick kiss on her cheek. She pulled his arm into her lap and leaned into his side as Gail stood up and clanked her fork against her plastic champagne flute. One she had everyone's attention she sat. Lucia put an arm around her. 

 

"Good evening everybody and thank you for joining us for a reading of the last will and testament of Rafael Barba." Everyone snickered. "I had the great honor of meeting the man in the suit about a year and a half ago." Gail continued. "Lucia Barba does incredible work at her school and her son is one of the incredible people helping a motley crew of college students work with kids in need. I can't think of a finer role model for Bronx kids in this big, stupid city. I've never met a harder working man." Murmurs of agreement flittered through the group.

"I haven't known him as long as lot of you, but I know this starchy bastard has a heart of gold underneath the no-nonsense front and the wheel of increasingly outrageous suspenders. I know if I have a question, he'll find me an answer. And if I have a problem, he probably can some up with a solution or point me in the direction of someone who can…and will meet me for a whiskey anytime I need it. He doesn't do anything half way or out of obligation. He goes into every day full throttle with passion and determination. Happy birthday, big brother. Cheers to many more."

 

"Cheers!" Everyone clanked glasses.

 

"I love you Rafi." Lucia spoke next. "It's been a hard year. But you found so much beauty and I am so proud." He got up to kiss his mother and hug Gail for a long moment. They were the unlikeliest of friends, but friends nonetheless. 

 

The party went on for another hour or so. Gail, Theo, and Devante played music that made people want to dance. Noah stood on Rafael's feet and rocked around the makeshift dance floor to More Than Words. Rollins took Rafael's empty seat with a sleepy Jessie in her lap.

 

"Good party, Liv."

 

"It is, isn't it?" She smiled, stroking Jessie's cheek. "Thanks for coming, 'Manda."

 

"Of course. Need any help cleaning up?"

 

"Nah. The Barba cousins volunteered to break it all down." Fin was currently dancing with on of said cousins' grandmother, much to everyone's amusement. Carisi swooped in over Amanda's shoulder with his camera.

 

"Get a load of these. The lighting is perfect tonight." He had captured some truly beautiful shots. Candid and posed. Jessie and Noah laughing and playing together. Rafael grinning with his friends and family, whispering in Liv's ear, kissing her cheek.

 

"We'll be needing copies." Amanda said. Olivia abruptly took the camera out of his hands.

 

"Get together you two." She said. Carisi laughed, leaning down to tickle Jessie and kiss Amanda on the cheek for the shot. Noah came bounding over.

 

"Mama it's your turn. They're gonna play your song." Olivia flushed a few different shades of red. Rafael stood a few feet away, silently asking her to dance as Gail and Theo started singing the opening harmonies to Sweet Pea by Amos Lee.

 

 _Sweet pea, apple of my eye. Don't know when and I don't know why. You're the only reason I keep on coming home._   

 

"Happy birthday, Rafa." She said, in his arms as they rocked to the music. He kissed her. There in front of everyone. More than one person took notice, whistles and applause came raining down on them from several directions.

 

~

 

Rafael picked up Noah and carried him down the stairs. Liv opened the door and let them out into the street. He went to the curb to hail a cab. She wrapped her arms around his waist from behind and kissed the back of his neck. They went back to her place full of wine and warmth. They worked together to get Noah cleaned up and in bed. He had absolutely no fight left after all the excitement but he needed help standing upright.

 

"Nightcap?" She asked in the hall. He slipped his fingers into her belt and backed her up against the wall, kissing his way up her throat in response. She gave a shaky laugh. "Come here." He followed her to her bedroom, smile plastered to his face. She pushed him to sit on the edge of the bed. She retrieved a small wrapped box from her closet and knelt on the bed next to him.

 

"Liv…" He sighed.

 

"Shut up. Open it." She kissed his shoulder and squeezed his forehead. He slipped off the red ribbon and the white wrapping paper. He saw the Tissot branding on the side of the box and nearly did a double take. This must have set her back a pretty penny. 

 

"This is too much."

 

"Don't worry. I know a guy." He didn't doubt it. He found a stunning watch with a silver face and a supple leather band.

 

"Olivia this is…beautiful." She pulled her necklace out of the collar of her tee shirt. The dove he had given her just last month shone against her chest. 

 

"Now we match." He turned the watch face over with a slightly shaky hand. _Mi Luz_. My light. He touched it reverently before putting it on. He had a second hand Rolex that came out for special occasions but this was something elegant and understated enough to wear everyday.

 

"Thank you." He kissed her softly, resting his temple against her brow as she turned his wrist in the low light. "Talking about our feelings through engravings is going to get expensive." He joked. She laughed, hitching her legs across his lap and wrapping her arms around his neck. He nuzzled into her shoulder with a happy sigh. She held on tight. 

 

"Everywhere you go, I want you to know that you have a light that never goes out. I look at you and I see someone I can lean on. Even if we're mad as hell or driving each other up the wall." She felt his lopsided grin pressed against the crook of her neck. He leaned back enough to look at her, running a hand up and down her thigh before kissing her. Once. Twice. A third time. Suddenly the years between them felt like centuries. Six years on the job, One outside of it. They had spent the better part of a decade together and now they were here. "Do you feel old yet?" She asked. 

 

"No. Do I look it?" She snorted, pushing her hand through his hair. The silver strands made him look distinguished more than anything. 

 

"No."

 

"We've got another few decades to kill, Lieutenant."

 

_What will you be doing at 85? Squabbling with you? Wouldn't that be nice…_

 

"Yes we do." She put her fingers over his lips before he could kiss her again. "I love you." He beamed, pressing his lips against her fingertips.  

 

"Even when I'm old and senile?"

 

"Bet on it." He moved her hand away and kissed her soundly. 

 

"Tonight was...perfect." He said, lying back in bed. She parted her legs and pulled him on top of her, sighing as his weight settled against her and his lips peppered her chest through her shirt. 

 

"You didn't even blow out any birthday candles." She realized. "Any wishes?" He pushed up on his elbows and buried his fingers in her hair, smiling when he saw the mischievous twinkle in her eye. 

 

"Besides the sprawling mid century modern mansion in the Italian country side?" She laughed again.

 

"Villa Barba."

 

"Villa Olivia." He corrected her, heavily accenting her name to make her laugh again.   

 

"You gonna build me a house, Barba?"

 

"If you asked me to." He kissed her again, taking her bottom lip between his teeth in a teasing manner. She arched a little, hooking one leg around his thigh.

 

"So...if I asked you to consider moving, it wouldn't be that big of a leap?"

 

"God no."

 

"Good." They got lost in the moment but the thought of an apartment big enough for 3 lingered.     


	3. a house

It was a two bedroom second story walk up in Morningside Heights. Big windows looking down on Saint Nicholas Avenue. White walls. Beautiful cherry wood floors. The living room felt massive compared to her old apartment and it was completely open to the kitchen. He got them a big round table. There was only one bathroom but it was big enough for three of them to rush in and out of early in the morning. She was mildly in love with the glass shower. Both bedrooms had an exposed brick wall. He could walk to Columbia if he wanted to. She was a short drive or subway ride away from the station. They were closer to both Lucy and Lucia Barba. Noah's school was a little farther away but it was worth it for the space. 

 

Their furniture blended surprisingly well. His leather and copper studded sofa. Her comfy green chairs and funky mid century modern coffee table. Her black steel bed frame. His heavy white duvet. Her copious denim throw pillow collection. His books cases. Their books. Their frames and art and photos.

 

The squad helped them move in on a rainy Saturday morning. They caught a nasty case that same night. Olivia came home bleary eyed on Sunday night to one bouquet of fresh flowers on the coffee table and one Rafael swimming in cardboard boxes.

 

"Hey you."

 

"Hi." She sighed. "I'm _so_ sorry…"

 

"Come here." He pulled her coat off and hung it on the new rack. He took her hand and led her past the chaos of the living room to Noah's new door. A gentle push and they could see her sleeping son, smile plastered to his face even while unconscious. She gasped.

His room was completely unpacked and set up. And new. Rafael had outfitted him with navy sheets, pillows, and comforters with silver and gold star constellations printed on them. There was a new desk, stocked and organized with art supplies, and a bookshelf tall enough to accommodate his ever expanding collections. Even the toy box was new. His bulletin board and posters were hung. Fairy lights draped his headboard. His pictures and drawings were taped up and all his favorite stuffed animals were out. He was cuddled up with Eddy the Elephant and happy as could be. Olivia closed the door and hid her wet eyes against his shoulder.

 

"Thank you."

 

"I thought it might make the transition easier but he's been laughing so much the neighbors came over and introduced themselves."

 

"Yah?"

 

"Yah." He gave up a lopsided grin. She looked up, caressing his cheek with her fingers. "Have you eaten?" She shook her head.

She shifted around boxes while he reheated some takeout for her and poured himself a whiskey. They sat on the couch, heels kicked up on the coffee table. She leaned her head back and felt her favorite afghan hanging over the back of the couch. It made her smile. They looked out the windows and over their new glowing street. They still had to put up some curtains. He put an arm around her. She leaned into him and filled her aching stomach with fettucine alfredo. He sipped his drink. It felt surreal.

 

"I can't believe we did this." She laughed. He grinned., taking another large swallow.

 

"Me neither." He pressed a long kiss to the side of her head. She tilted her chin up and kissed the corner of his mouth. With little prelude she finished her food, put the plate on the floor and swung herself around to straddle his lap. He made a small surprised sound in the back of his throat when a kiss practically punched him in the mouth. "Liv," He laughed and gasped. She took his glass out of his hand and made sure it made it safely to the coffee table before she was kissing him again, slipping her tongue against his and making him groan. "Fuck." He sucked on her bottom lip, abruptly turning and pinning her down on the couch cushions. He pressed his hips down as she arched up. He nipped at her neck and drug his tongue across her pulse point. "Bit cliché isn't it? Christening." She snorted. 

 

"This couch has seen-"

 

"Mama?" He pushed off her as fast as he could and reached for their dishes.

 

"Right here, baby." Noah came in rubbing his eyes. He crawled into her lap and yawned.

 

"Missed you."

 

"Missed you too, sweet boy. Did we wake you?"

 

"No. Jus' thirsty." He yawned again. She stood up, carrying him into the kitchen for a glass of water. Rafael finished washing up their dishes. They were the first things to go into their cabinets. "Hi Rafa."

 

"Hi Noah. Everything okay, amigo?"

 

"M'Sleepy." They grinned. It was incredibly easy to get him back into bed. 

 

"Do you like your new room, sweetie?" Olivia asked.

 

"S'Perfect." He mumbled, passing out entirely.

 

"Sleep tight. I love you." She kissed his head. She found Rafael in the kitchen, idly unpacking a box ambiguously labeled ' _cooking & shit'_.  "I need a shower. Care to join me?"

 

"So I can shiver and hand you shampoo bottles?" He joked. She wrapped her arms around him from behind.

 

"So you can see me naked and help me forget about the last 48 hours."

 

"Sold." She giggled. The bathroom was also apparently, fully unpacked. Everyone's towels and toothbrushes and toiletries were where they needed to be. There were candles and flowers on the vanity too. _God._  

 

"Thank you. So much." She mumbled, feeling emotional again as she unbuttoned her shirt. He dropped slow, wet kisses on her shoulders as they were slowly exposed after starting the shower. His kisses slipped down her spine and around her waist, across her hips as she shed her pants. 

 

Home. It already felt like home.

 

They had to set up the bed and unwrap the mattress. She couldn't stop laughing when they accidentally screwed the headboard on backwards and upside down. He glared at her the whole 30 minutes it took to get it right. She couldn't help but find it a little sexy, paired with the screws he was holding in his mouth. He put the sheets on while she unpacked the pillows and stuffed them into their shams. They brought the side tables in from the living room. She found the lamps. He broke down the boxes and cleared them away. She pushed their suitcases into the closet and closed the door. They hung the curtains.

 

Good enough for now.

 

She dried her hair. He poured her a red wine nightcap.

 

"We are _never_ moving again." She sighed, falling into bed before accepting a full glass. He finished checking his emails, grinning a little at the _we_.    

 

"I don't need to go to campus till Wednesday so-"

 

"I took tomorrow off." She tapped her glass against his as she settled against the headboard. "I'll take Noah to school and come back here. I don't want to live with boxes any longer than we have to." He leaned over and kissed her lingeringly. Her smile tasted like merlot. "Forcibly preventing you from leaving New York is the best decision I ever made." She teased. He beamed, kissing her cheek. And neck. And the top of her left breast. He stole a sip of her wine and laid down with his head in her lap. She ran her fingers through his hair.

 

"All I wanted to do was disappear." He remembered. A year and some odd months had passed since then. He pressed his lips against her thigh. "I never even let myself dream this big." He mumbled, fatigue making everything fuzzy around the edges.

 

"Mmmmm I did." Olivia admitted. "Ever since that first night, I hated sleeping alone." She started rubbing the back of his neck and the tops of his shoulders. He nuzzled into her stomach. She finished her wine. "I didn't really have a home until I had Noah. This place is…perfect." She summarized. "Everything I've ever wanted. Or needed. This is it." She curled her legs up and bent over to kiss him on the forehead.

 

"So I can stop researching international flights for this summer?"

 

"I told you, I want to get an RV and see all 50 states."

 

"And I told you neither of us can drive one of those monstrosities without causing grievous bodily harm. Let's just show Noah some of Europe."

 

"Summers are for camping."

 

"Summers are for _vacationing_." He corrected her.

 

"They are not mutually exclusive categories."

 

"They absolutely are and frankly, I'm disturbed that I'm only just now discovering this deeply fatal personality flaw in you Olivia Benson." She covered her mouth so her laughter wouldn't wake her son.     


	4. a trip

They spent a few days in Seattle, showing Noah what it was like to walk around a different city and try different foods. They rented a cabin near Mount Rainier National Park and did all the things Olivia had ever wanted to do with her son but couldn't before. Hiking. Swimming. Campfires. Even a few nights camping and looking at the stars. Despite the initial goading and fake complaining Rafael was nothing but enthusiastic. He taught Noah how to fish and climb steep inclines and roast the perfect s'more over an open fire. Olivia had never taken so many photos in her whole life. Washington was gorgeous. From the bustling cities to the wildlife and wildflowers.    

 

On their last night they camped behind their cabin. Noah fell asleep next to the fire, snuggled up in his sleeping bag. Olivia was using Rafael's bicep as a pillow. They laid in the grass, watching a meteor shower and enjoying the quiet. It was as close to silence as they had ever heard in awhile. Wind rushing through the trees. Crickets. Some bird song. She inhaled deeply and turned into him, throwing a leg over his and nuzzling into his neck. He reached for his phone. He plugged in his headphones and tapped around a bit before putting in a single earbud and handing her the other one. She smiled as the music spilled over them. John Denver. Annie's Song. She reached for the phone and turned up the volume. 

 

_You fill up my senses_

_Like a night in a forest_

_Like the mountains in springtime_

_Like a walk in the rain_

_Like a storm in the desert_

_Like a sleepy blue ocean_

_You fill up my senses_

_Come fill me again_

 

He buried his hand in her hair and kneaded the back of her neck. She looked up to see his profile, lit by the fire against the night. His eyes were closed. He was smiling.      

 

_Come let me love you_

_Let me give my life to you_

_Let me drown in your laughter_

_Let me die in your arms_

_Let me lay down beside you_

_Let me always be with you_

_Come let me love you_

_Come love me again_

 

She ran her fingers in lazy circles and figure eights over his chest before pushing up his neck, into his hair. He opened his eyes, on the verge of saying something when she craned up to kiss him. He gathered her close.

 

_You fill up my senses_

_Like a night in a forest_

_Like the mountains in springtime_

_Like a walk in the rain_

_Like a storm in the desert_

_Like a sleepy blue ocean_

_You fill up my senses_

_Come fill me again_

 

John Denver faded out and the music shuffled to another peaceful song. He turned the volume down, still looking at her like she hung the moon and stars. Noah sat up, yawning and asking for another s'more. Olivia rolled away with a laugh. It took a team effort but they got Noah to lie down again, this time inside their tent. Rafael pulled out his iPad and after half a chapter of Harry Potter the boy was fast asleep again. Olivia grabbed one of their spare blankets. She draped it over both their shoulder as they sat by the dying embers of the fire. They passed a flask back and forth. He tipped her chin up and kissed her neck.

 

"Not so bad." She said.

 

"Tell that to my infected bug bites." He mumbled against the skin behind her ear. She hummed.

 

"I hate to break it to you, but even Noah knows that just because it needs a Band-Aid doesn't mean it's going to fall off." He nipped the top of her and they laughed.

 

"I'm not looking to buy a house or anything but god…it's gorgeous out here." She wrapped an arm around his shoulders, breathing deeply. The fireflies were out. "This was perfect." He decided. 

 

"Where to next?" She asked.

 

"Home." She raised an eyebrow. "I miss Forlini's." He joked.

 

"Seriously."

 

"I miss our bed."

 

"Better." She played with his hair and kissed his temple.

 

"Next time…we're definitely going abroad. Noah should practice his Spanish."

 

"Mmmmm we could do that in Miami." She said. 

 

"We should go there too. What do you think about Spain?"

 

"I've always wanted to see Barcelona. What about Costa Rica? I want to go zip lining."

 

"Oh Jesus." He took another drink from the flask. He pulled their blanket tighter around them. "I'll follow your lead Lieutenant, but remind me to check my life insurance policy before hand." She giggled, finishing off their whiskey supply and tossing the empty flask into the grass. The fire died down. They were alone in the dark. The meteor shower had ended awhile ago. The wind had died down. 

 

"Shooting star." She pointed out. "Got any wishes?"

 

"Is it bad that I don't?"

 

"No. Just cheesy." He laughed.

 

"I am completely satisfied Olivia Margaret Benson and I reject any implications to the contrary."  She shifted, moving to sit between his legs and lean on his chest. He accommodated willingly.

 

"Keep talking." She sighed, obviously in an affectionate mood. 

 

"You're the best thing that's ever happened to me and talking about the future makes me absurdly happy."

 

"Me too." He pressed his nose into her hair.

 

"I want to go everywhere with you two."

 

"Me too." They fell quiet again. Her body and eyelids felt deliciously heavy. She was about to suggest hitting the hay when she felt him start and stop to speak a few times. He only ever hesitated when he had news of some sort. Impacting and heavy news. She braced herself. 

 

"Columbia offered me the tenure track and I think I'm going to start writing. I've been talking with the university publishing house and a few journals…" She squeezed his forearms so hard he almost winced.

 

"Baby…that's incredible." She gasped. 

 

"You think?"

 

"Yes!" She sat up and turned around enough to look him in the eye. She framed his face with her hands. "I know when you took that job it didn't feel permanent…but neither did this, remember?" She gestured between them. He choked on a laugh, looking down at the ground and then back at her. The implication hidden in her words was breathtaking. Permanent. "This just confirms how good your work has been, Rafael. I'm not just stroking your ego, they see what you're doing and want more...what are you thinking?"

 

"I'm so fucking happy I don't know what to think."             

 


	5. a line

He called her at 7 am. She jolted awake, almost hitting her head on the bunk above her in the cribs. She cringed, knowing she probably woke the occupant in the bed above her. Finn rolled over and mumbled something about how dumb her ringtone sounded. She landed a light punch where she assumed his head would be as Carisi and Rollins snickered from across the room. The exhausted squad began to come to life, yawning and stretching. Olivia took the call in the locker room.

 

"Good morning." She answered, jaw cracking a little as she yawned. She went through her duffle, checking to see if she had a clean change of clothes and enough stuff to pull herself together after a shower. 

 

"Hey, you okay?"

 

"Yah. Feds took over around 4 am. We all got a few hours. I have a press conference in a few hours and then we're up to our necks in de-briefs." She rested her head against the cold metal of her locker door. 

 

"A guy from GrubHub should be there in half an hour. Coffee and bagels for everyone." 

 

"That's unbearably sweet of you. I don't think Carisi has eaten in two days."

 

"I don't think you have either. Want to talk to Noah?"

 

"Please." She had a quick chat with her son as she washed her face and brushed her teeth. She felt her mood lifting and lifting. Amanda came sweeping through for a quick shower as well.

 

"We should be home free early this afternoon." She said when the phone went back to Rafael. "I can pick up Noah from school if-"

 

"Soccer practice, remember? I already talked to Lucy. You can just come home. I'll be there with vodka and good news."

 

"A martini does sound good."

 

"Breakfast of champions." Amanda chimed in from her shower stall. Olivia snorted and rolled her eyes.

 

"You're doing great, Liv. They gave you hell and you came out on the other side." She didn't think he could possibly sounder any warmer over the phone but she was wrong. Maybe it was the sleep deprivation talking. Everything had been falling apart but suddenly it was coming back together. The knot of anxiety in her stomach loosened.  

 

"What did you put in your coffee? I need some."

 

"You look beautiful this morning." She cringed. Runny mascara. Sweat stained tee shirt. Greasy hair. 

 

"I definitely don't and I think you know that."

 

"Nonsense."

 

"Shut up."

 

"You sweet thing you. Say bye Noah…"

 

"BYE MOM LOVE YOU GOOD LUCK ON TV." Her son's shout was distant. They were probably getting in a car somewhere on their way to school.    

 

"Love you too Noah. I'll see you real soon."

 

"Go get 'em chingona. Te adoro." _Bad ass. I adore you._ She laughed.

 

"Me gustas." _I like you_. She said back. He was laughing too by the time he hung up.

 

She scrubbed herself raw under a cold shower and put herself back together. Uniform on. Hair straightened. Makeup fresh. By the time she got to the squad room everyone was looking fresh and well fed. The breakfast Rafael had ordered them consisted of a lot more than bagels and coffee and they were all thankful for some fruit to balance out the immense amount of vending machine food consumed in the last few days. She talked to the press. She talked to the FBI. The DA. A half dozen NYPD liaisons. By 1 she was practically fleeing the building and hailing a cab for home.

 

The apartment was quiet when she finally unlocked the door and stepped inside. She immediately kicked off her shoes and shrugged off her jacket. Somewhere in the apartment he was humming and moving around, making her smile for the first time since their call this morning. She hung it up with her hat and loosened her tie. She was unbuttoning her shirt as she headed back to the bedroom. Rafael came out of Noah's room and nearly collided with her in the hallway. He had a few tee shirts slung over his shoulder, probably in the middle of folding laundry. 

 

"You did-" He was immediately cut off as she threw an arm around his neck and pressed herself to his chest. She kissed him hello and tucked her face into his neck, taking a deep breath. She fisted her other hand in his sweater.

 

"Just hold me." He obliged, embracing her like they had been separated for weeks rather than days.

 

"All quiet on the front lines?"

 

"For now."

 

"You just liberated 50 children, Olivia. You're a hero." He stroked her hair and kissed the side of her head. "Should I put on something sexy? Would that make you feel better?" She giggled and shook her head.

 

"You can save the negligee for tomorrow night. I'm going to take a hot shower, do my promised shot of vodka, and go the fuck to sleep." She withdrew slowly, keeping ahold of his hand as she went into the bathroom. He leaned on the door jamb as she finished unbuttoning her shirt.

 

"A negligee?"

 

"Not your style?" She joked. 

 

"I would have thought fishnets and garter belts would be enough for you." She pretended to swoon. He snickered. "I'll get you a drink. And something to eat."

 

She finally indulged in some hot water, turning her skin pink and read under the spray. She put on some of his sweatpants and a sports bra. He joined her in the bedroom with a bottle of water, a big bowl of pasta, and a stiff looking martini.       

 

"You're a saint." She sighed, sitting with him in their bed and nearly inhaling it all, catching him up on some of the details not mentioned in the press conference between bites.

 

"And for the record, I was right. You look gorgeous this morning. And afternoon." He corrected himself, kissing the corner of her eye.

 

"It's been awhile since you've been on a case with me, Rafa. You only see me with the lights on after I've had time to rise from the dead. Fin and Carisi screamed and made the sign of the cross when they saw me this morning." He rolled his eyes and kissed her shoulder. "You promised me good news." He slipped out of bed with her empty dishes and walked out towards the living room. She sat cross legged on the edge of the bed. He returned with a manuscript. He handed it over to her. His title page was stamped. Columbia University Press. Approved. She beamed, tossing it aside as she jumped up. She threw all four limbs around him. All the air left his body as they fell back on the bed.

 

"I knew it. I _knew_ it." She straddled his hips and sat up, drumming on his chest with her hands.

 

"I am officially in the editing process with real live professional editors, so you are officially relieved of your copyediting duties."

 

"I'm officially retiring from proof reading. When Noah starts writing shit it's your responsibility." They giggled inanely. She leaned forward to kiss his chest. And his neck. And his lips. Calm and giddy and happy. He gripped her thigh with one hand and reached for the manuscript with the other.

 

"Check out pages 1, 2, and 3 for old times sake." She slipped off his lap and sat next to him. His title page looked so professional it made her grin. It was originally configured as an academic text but the first pitch to the publisher had Rafael considering a broader nonfiction audience.  

 

"Working title…Burden of Proof: Where and Why the Law Falls Short of Protecting the Marginalized by R. Barba." She read aloud before turning the page. Table of contents. "Nice!" She smothered a yawn. He was unfazed, knowing full well how the exhaustion was only just setting it. He rubbed her back. Another page. Acknowledgements. She smiled at the kind way he thanked the numerous lawyers, NYPD sources, and victims that contributed to the book. Even Rita Calhoun, Fin, and the rest of the squad had made it in. She turned to page 3 and found the dedication, smile getting a little wobbly as she read it.

 

_For Noah and Olivia. For keeping my eyes open and my heart calm. Quiero estar contigo para siempre._

 

"Is that a threat or a promise?" She joked. _I want to be with you forever._ Right there. In print. For publishers. The press. Academics. New York. God. The world. But especially for her. And her son.      

 

"Both." He joked back. She put the book aside and picked up his hand again, linking her pinkie around his and kissing the back of his hand. She closed her eyes and found herself struggling to open them again. 

 

"I wish I had the cognitive capacity to tell you everything you deserve to hear right now. " He didn't even blink. He just smiled more.  

 

"Noah won't be back till four. You should get some sleep."

 

"Mmmmm stay with?" She asked incoherently, around another yawn.

 

"Of course." She got under the covers. He stayed propped up on an elbow next to her, rubbing her back as she dozed. _Forever._ She wanted forever too. 

 

"You make every ending a happy one." His hand stopped moving. 

 

"Was…w-was that a massage parlor joke?"

 

"NO." She nearly cried with laughter.

 

"OH you meant- oh shit…" He face palmed. "Guess I need more sleep too." She buried her face in a pillow in a desperate attempt to control herself. She couldn't believe she actually wanted to marry this idiot.              

 

 


	6. a promise and a name

Noah was slightly distraught when he learned he had was not invited to dinner but the insult was quickly forgotten the moment he found out Gail was babysitting. Rafael opened the door for her and took her backpack off her shoulder.

 

"God, what the hell is in this thing?"

 

"Only two textbooks. Did you stop working out?" She shot back, accepting a cheek kiss from him before squatting to accept a full bodied hug from Noah.

 

"GG! Are you spending the night with me?"

 

"Sir yes sir. I bought all the fixing for the best movie marathon of all time. Want to pick what we're watching?"

 

"Sir yes ma'am." He was off like a shot for the bedroom. Rafael chuckled.

 

"Thanks again for helping us out on such late notice. We owe you one." 

 

"Any time. I was starting to miss the little dude." Gail gave him an amused once over, stepping in to straighten his tie. "Eldredge knot. Theatre night?"  

 

"Ballet."

 

"Oooooh they're doing Coppelia, right?" He tapped his nose with a smile. "A night away from the boy with dinner and a show, Rafael Barba you are an insufferable romantic."

 

"When it's convenient for him." Olivia said, coming into the living room with her flats in her hand. Rafael's jaw dropped a little. Gail whistled. Long sleeve black dress, tailored to perfection. It was cut above the knee with a bit of a plunging neck line. Her hair was down and straight. She rolled her eyes but smiled. "Did he tell you what we were doing? He didn't tell me what we're doing."

 

"You didn't tell her what you were doing?" Gail shot Rafael a disbelieving look as she moved to wrap her arms around Olivia's waist. The two hugged fiercely. "Blink once if you need help." She stage whispered as she pulled back.

 

"I was told to pack a bag which he immediately had sent away."

 

"Who's the beneficiary on your life insurance policy?" They all snickered.

 

"GAIL." Noah shouted from his room. "FLUSHED AWAY OR RATATOUILLE?"

 

"FLUSHED AWAY ALL DAY." Gail decided.

 

"You can tell the difference?" Rafael groaned.   
 

"If I'm not at school I'm hanging out with ten year olds." She sighed. "So what should I tell the cops when you don't come home tomorrow morning? Anniversary trip? Birthday? Somebody dead?" She bounced an eyebrow, subtly inquiring into the nature of their little mystery get away. Noah came barreling into the room with half of his DVD collection in his arms. He dumbed the movies on the couch and attempted to tackle Gail. In a practiced move she caught him and flipped him into a fireman's hold over her shoulders. He shrieked with laughter. "Can't get the drop on me little man, I'm faster than these two."

 

"Yah you are!" He giggled as his mother and Rafael put on fake offended faces. While Gail had him relatively still Olivia cupped his face and kissed his cheeks. "Bye Mommy."

 

"Be good sweet boy, love you."

 

"Adios chiquito."

 

"Love you Rafa!" They hustled out of the apartment. Olivia waited till she heard all three locks slide in to place. Knowing full well they were still outside Gail raised her voice.

 

"I'll get the beer if you get the funnel." Noah shrieked with laughter. "Get lost."

 

"Goodnight!" Olivia laughed before following Rafael downstairs and out of the building. He laced their fingers together as he hailed a cab.

 

"So…what are we celebrating?" She asked, leaning on his arm. He shrugged.

 

"I don't know. Maybe we'll figure something out." She huffed but was smiling as they got into the cab. She pressed a kiss to his hand as he directed the cabbie to Bond Street.

 

"Il Buco?" He inquired. "Perfect night for it." He then very kindly turned up the radio and pretended not to notice her sliding across the seats to kiss his neck. 

 

It was a romantic old Italian restaurant in Noho. They drank wine and picked pasta off each other's plate. She was so surprised by the box tickets to the ballet tickets she nearly cried a little bit. She had casually mentioned wanting to go a few months ago. One of their former victims, a succsess story, was dancing with the company now.

 

The show was romantic. And funny. The young woman Olivia knew was in a leading role. She laced an arm around his and rested her cheek against his shoulder and let her tears fall at intermission and at the standing ovation. He led the way to a hotel a few blocks away. The bar was dark and quiet. A piano player was cranking out smooth jazz. She sat on a stool. He leaned on the counter and ordered a scotch. She got a gin and tonic.

 

"Opening a tab sir?"

 

"Please. Room 622." He said. She parted her knees and gave his a belt a tug. He slipped a hand up the side of her thigh and stood closer as they tapped their glasses together.

 

"You got a room? Planning on getting us drunk?"

 

"If you want." He smirked. "You've been running on empty for awhile. I thought a pattern change might help."

 

"Rafael…" She shook her head and swallowed. "Thank you." 

 

"Of course." She pulled him forward by the tie for a proper kiss. He glowed under her affections. "Forgive me for the cloak and dagger?" She smirked. 

 

"The night's still young and this drink is pretty strong. If I wake up during a cult ritual we're going to have words." He laughed lightly, kissing her again. And again. She sucked on his bottom lip and pulled him further between her legs, hitching her dress up her thighs. He fingered the newly exposed skin. The barkeep cleared his throat as another couple sat down. Her cheeks were pink but her smile was unapologetic.  "Good year on the scotch." She said, clearing her throat. He suppressed a full bodied laugh by taking another swallow and swooping in for a chaste kiss. They finished their drinks. He led the way to the elevator. She wrapped her arms around his waist from behind as he pressed the button for the sixth floor. He smiled as she nosed his neck. "New aftershave?" She asked.

 

"Yah." He laughed again. Their room was mildly breathtaking. Tall ceilings. Wall of windows. Private balcony. Gorgeous views of Manhattan. King sized bed. The bag she had packed this morning was sitting in the marble bathroom alongside one of his, just next to a massive tub that she imagined would be getting well used tonight. There was a bouquet of daisies on the bed. She felt herself tearing up again. She kicked off her shoes. He took off his jacket and his tie, unbuttoning his collar. She took him by the wrist and led him out to the balcony. She kissed him as hard and deeply as she could. It got a little hard with him smiling so much. She laughed against his lips as he boxed her in against the railing. She turned her face to the side. New York was glowing too. She felt her heart skip a beat. He kissed her cheek.  

 

"Marry me." She blurted out against his lips. He barely moved. Barely breathed.

 

"Really?"

 

"I want you to marry me."

 

"Shit." A smile broke across his face.  She exhaled, laughing despite herself. "I can't believe this. There's a ring box in my shaving kit but NO, Olivia Benson had to get there first." Suddenly they couldn't stop laughing, leaning on each other for support with their arms knotted around each other.

 

"You want me to get down on one knee?" She asked as they began to calm down, sending them both into another fit of laughter. He buried his face in her neck. "I've never wanted to call anyone my husband before. Nobody but you." He kissed her shoulder and exhaled shakily. She nuzzled his cheek and stroked his hair. "Do you want to-?"  

 

"Yes. Of course." He kissed her lips. "Any day. Every day. Tomorrow if you want." Her heart calmed almost immediately. They stayed there holding each other for awhile longer. They both knew it was a mere formality. A ring exchange and a piece of paper. But the implications were deep. So deep. "I want to be there for you and Noah as much as I can." He said softly. "He helped pick out the ring. Gave me his blessing." He grinned, slightly self conscious. She stroked his cheek and beamed. A family. On paper. Inextricable. Irreversible. Cemented together in every sense.

 

"He loves you so much." Olivia said softly. A breeze blew over them. It was getting cold. They stepped back inside. He retrieved the ring. Simple white gold band. A diamond set in delicate filigree.

 

"Even if you said no, or asked me to wait. I wanted you to have this. It's the same diamond my grandfather gave my grandfather. New band."

 

"It's so beautiful." She whispered, sitting on the edge of the bed with him. He put it on her finger. She pressed her palm to his chest. 

 

"They taught me what love looks like." He said hoarsely. "You taught me what it feels like."                            

 

         


End file.
